I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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