i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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