I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
