Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
