WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
