I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
