No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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