laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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