The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
