It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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