I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
