a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
