can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
