if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
