Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
