Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
