I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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