sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
We smell like vodka and hangover
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