Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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