my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
