I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
