he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
