I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
the raccoons are back...
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