eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
