I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
