I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
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His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
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I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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