I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
