So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
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I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
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Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
you had me at cake vodka
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
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Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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