32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
