dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
