My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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