I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
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seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
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Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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