U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
