Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
