I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
