I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
