What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
