I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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