he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
