they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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