I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
