Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
