hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
