I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
