There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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