I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Randomize
