Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
