This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Jerry, you need to find god
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
