i was born a porn star she said
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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