I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
