I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Randomize
