well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
