Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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