Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
