someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
