put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Randomize
